It had all happened so suddenly, we had rushed to the hospital and were immediately prepped for surgery. Olivia was going into shock and was quickly wheeled in to operate, there wasn't any time to lose. I can still remember the emotions that coursed through me when they removed our very little boy from her womb.
I don't know when or where it happened, but somewhere along the line in my life I had adopted this picture of what it would be like when our first child was born. I pictured the sudden rush of joy as I heard him scream for the first time. A sign of life. It didn't happen.
It was only with the silence that greeted me when he entered the world that I realised that this dream was not to be. There was certainly noise in the room, nurses acting on hurried instructions, the beep of machines, but all this faded away as I looked at my son and waited for him to make a sound. There wasn't one.
The gynecologist handed him to the pediatrician who took him to one side, laid him down and began CPR. All I could do was stand and watch helplessly. No one was speaking to me, I didn't know what was happening. Eventually he was taken from the room, filled with pipes and transported to the Neo-Natal ICU. I didn't get to hold him.
In the weeks that followed we had to see our son from a distance. He was kept in an incubator, his lungs weren't strong enough to breathe on his own and it was two weeks before we really got to hold him. Having been unemployed at the time we fell pregnant (Church Leadership School) we had not been on a full medical aid, just a basic medical insurance which had a capped amount. It was only a few days in when that cap was reached. There was so much to be done, x-rays and specialists and the cost of ICU that our bill climbed higher and higher. What can you do though? Is there a cost, a number too high in which you say, "I can't pay this?"
I can remember looking at our little boy, separated from us and thinking, there is no price I am unwilling to pay to have him with us. It was then that I first got a glimpse into what our Father must feel for us. What overwhelming love He must have had to have sacrificed His own Son so that He could once again hold us. There was no price to high for Him to pay to break down the wall that sin had caused to separate us. It was in the midst of all the pain of separation, the confusion and fear that I felt the love of my Father. How does one respond to that?
All I can say is that I think you just let Him love you. He paid the price to be able to do that, and while I am overwhelmed with His love, I try and love Him back.
How wonderful it was when we could finally hold him.
1. When I became we
2. Step on to the water
3. This little light of mine
4. Luc, I am your father
5. A light to our path
6. Next to a stranger
7. Empty cupboards and croissants
8. Musings after the monument
9. Baby steps
10. Through the window
12. Crossing the road
13. Who am I?
14. Sticks and stones
15. Lost and Found
16. A Fixed Point
17. Les Poux
18. Pain au chocolat
19. Notre Dame
20. The temple to all the gods
21. The Palace
22. Dead Emperor, living King
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